Hi. Please give it a listen. Our contact info's inside.
- Nice packaging. Let's take a look. - Thanks.
Hello, Miss Ryan.
So nice to finally meet you face to face.
It's been quite a chase all these years, huh?
One not without a few clever maneuvers on your part...
...but here we are. - You know what? I'm tired of running.
- I'll go quietly. - I don't use handcuffs, Miss Ryan.
- Just brains. - But before we go, Mr. Lomax...
- Yeah? - Check your fly.
What's that?
- I have to get by. - Where do you think you're going?
You may want to check your fly.
Roxy!
Hey, man, what's up?
It's Lomax.
Everybody, jump. Jump!
Roxy!
- Lomax! - Lomax?
Lomax?
- We're trapped. - Take my hand.
Roxy?
Roxy!
Has everybody washed their hands?
I'm next!
That's gotta hurt.
Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry, guys. Excuse me.
I'm looking for two girls and this little dog that just ran out of here.
- Did you see where they went? - I did.
- They went to the Simple Plan after-party. - Great.
You know, I'm going there now. I drive all the VIPs.
- I could give you a ride. - Yeah? Thanks, man.
Thanks.
- This Lomax guy is crazy. - I know.
Okay.
- Let's hide in the tent. - Okay.
Cover up the manhole. We're done here.
Give me a hand!
The climactic event of my academic career is in two hours.
And I'm drenched with a dog in a sewer. Yeah.
No. See, we're in luck. It's just the water main.
- I'm just trying to look on the bright side. - Bright side? There is no bright side.
Well, I don't know. I was thinking that...
That what?
We haven't spent the day together in years.
And today has made me realize how much I've missed that.
And I don't know, I was having fun.
And you were too, because I saw the smile on your face...
...when we were crowd surfing.
- I was acting for the cameras. - Just a little bit.
Okay, so maybe it was a little fun.
- What's with that Lomax guy? - He's the truant officer.
He's been after me for years, but I outsmart him every time.
What can I say?
You're insane. You know that?
Yeah. I know.
You okay, buddy?
Yeah, I'm doing just fine, Sherlock. Yourself?
Wife and kids? Think it'll rain? How about those Mets?
Are we through chitchatting?
Tell me where this sewer pipe leads?
Well, that one there comes directly from the main line on 125th.
Only way in or out.
- How's the patient? - She should've gone for the C-section.
I'm gonna miss my daughter's speech at Columbia.
She's gonna be so disappointed. I hope she's okay.
The unpublicized event has drawn quite a crowd here today.
Come on, move off the road. Please?
Hi, it's Jane. Leave a message.
Jane. Hey, it's Jim.
The guy that ripped your skirt and pummeled you with his bike.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, I was just calling to make sure you're okay.
So...
I'll keep looking for you. I'm gonna make it up to you. All right?
See you.
We need to get out of here. This thing is never-ending.
Wait a sec. Columbia's on 116th Street, right?
Right.
I got you nine blocks away.
She can't get a date because she sounds fat...
What's up with this fool?
White people are crazy.
Roxy, Columbia's on the West Side.
- Here we are. Let's find a subway. - Let's ask the House of Bling.
Good idea.
- Can I help you? - We are so not in Kansas anymore.
We're from the gas company.
- No gas here. Okay. - Hold it.
I can't have anyone seeing you leave my store looking like that.
- Mickey, show them out the back way. - Okay, Ma.
Oh, come on.
- What? What is it? - It's 1:13.
It's 1:13. I'm never gonna make it.
What's wrong with that girl?
- She doesn't do well under pressure. - Oh, my God! I'm having a heart attack!
- Call 991. Call 991. - Breathe.
Call 991! 991?
Stay calm!
Thank you. I'm not thirsty.
It's okay. Breathe. Breathe. Deep breaths.
Happy thoughts. Sing with me, okay?
- You okay? - Works every time.
Dang, what's that all about?
In two hours, I'm supposed to make the most important speech of my life.
It's been a rough day.
Sweetheart, if it was all smooth sailing, you know where we'd be?
- Bored to tears, that's what. - Amen.
Take this sister over here. Come here, baby.
Good. It's the curve balls that make life interesting.
Shows us what we're made of.
And sometimes, if we're real lucky...
...there's a blessing waiting for us at the end of that wrong turn.
Well, what if there's been about 50 wrong turns?
That last wrong turn brought you in here, didn't it?
So prepare to be blessed.
Mickey. Bring me my toolbox. We got some major bling to do.
- Who's Major Bling? - Honey, this is Big Shirl's House of Bling.
This is where the bling is born. This is where bling lives.
You got nothing to worry about.
Just so we're clear, I'd like a more corporate bling.
Boy, you is filthy. What am I gonna do with you?
Boyfriend. Well, you girlfriend now.
New York Knicks, baby! New York Knicks!
- You look so hot. - I feel hot.
Sisters got some sister in them!
Y'all good to go.
- Thank you so much. - Oh, you're welcome.
- I promise we'll pay you back. - Honey, it's on the house.
- Thank you. - Bye-bye.
- Good luck. - Thanks.
- All right. - I think I can pull this off.
Hello? Oh, it's for you.
Hello? Jane Ryan speaking.
I have your boyfriend.
- I don't have a boyfriend. - Then I have your sister's boyfriend.
My sister doesn't have a boyfriend, either.
Okay, look. Whatever. I'm through with being Mr. Softy.
You meet me in Times Square at corner of 47th and Broadway...
...in 20 minutes, or else I will burn your book.
He's gonna burn my book.
He's not gonna burn your book. That's censorship.
- We have to go. - Well, let's go.
We need a ride, Big Shirl.
- Mickey, get your cab. - Not now, Ma.
- Around the corner. - Thank you!
- Be careful. All right. See you. - Roxanne Ryan. Cease and desist!
Who's that cracker?
I don't know. He ain't from around here.
Hurry, get in the car!
Okay.
Jane, start the car.
I'm not exactly a strong driver.
Step out of the car, Ryan. It's all over.
- What do I do? - Brake, left. Gas, right. Go!
Watch out for the guy!
- Slow down! - Sorry!
- Braking. Red. - I know.
Stop!
Nassau County Department of Truancy. I'm taking over your vehicle.
- Okey-dokey. - What fun.
Tim Brooger. My wife, Steffi.
- Pleased to meet you. - Buckle up. Could be bumpy.
How you got your driver's license is beyond me.
You didn't? You failed your driver's test? That's incredible.
I got 100 percent on the written. I just didn't quite pass the driving part.
- Are we gonna be in a car chase? - Don't tell me.
- We've never been in a car chase. - No, sir. Not one.
- Seen them on TV. - I think New York has the best car chases.
- Oh, shoot... - Small favor, Clem. Put a sock in it.
Done, sir.
- Where is he? Is he behind us? - Yeah.
We drove all the way from Minnetonka, Minnesota just to see New York City.
The Big Apple.
- They say it's the city that never sleeps. - I think it will now that you've hit town.
- Red light, red light! - I know!
Red!
I read the rule book. I know what red means.
Hi. I need to go to 112th...
Go! Floor it!
- Oh, God! - What are you doing here?
God, that is so hot!
Would you give me just a little air?
- I can't do this. - You can do this. Breathe.
- I'm getting killed. - Stop it.
Whoopsy-daisy!
- Can you drive a little bit faster? - Do you want to drive?
I'll drive!
I don't know if this would be helpful, but we do have a loudspeaker.
Sure, we use that for campfire sing-alongs with our church group.
Testing. Testing, one, two. Can this be heard?
- Roxanne Ryan, this is the law. - Go!
- Pull over. Give yourself up. - I'm being abducted!
You think I'm kidding. I'm not. You're only making things worse.
You'll be in detention the rest of your life. So let's end this right now.
- This is kind of fun. - It's not fun!
Where'd he go?
I think we lost him.
You might wanna look to your right.
Okay, playtime's over, Ryan. Let's put the toys away and go home.
- Pull over! - Turn right here.
You're going the wrong way!
- I thought you said right here. - Times Square's the other right.
I have it under control.
Yeah, right. Then where are we going?
What are you doing?
Signaling. I know the rules. Hang on, people.
Why are we reversing? It's a one-way street!
- We're going the wrong way. - No, but we're facing the right way.
- You're mine now, Ryan. - It's too tight. We're not gonna make it.
- We'll make it. - We're not gonna make it!
- Who's the professional here, you or me? - I wanna say you.
Go!
Look, there's a gate!
I'm sorry.
- Take some of that. - Are you trying to kill us?
I just saved your life, and you're criticizing me?
- Welcome to my world. - What's that supposed to mean?
It means you're always looking down on me.
- Looking down on you? - Yeah.
I've been looking out for you.
Hey. Let me out of this car!
Thanks for nothing!
- How have you been looking out for me? - Are you insane? That's all I ever do!
The one day, the one time I want it to be about me for a change...
...I get inducted into the Roxy Ryan School of Juvenile Delinquency.
I've been trying to help you from the minute we left.
Lot of good that's done.
Where are you going? I'm not finished.
Yeah, well, I am.
Why don't you run along and have fun. That's what you're good at.
As opposed to you, which is walking away whenever we have a real conversation?
I don't have time for a real conversation.
- I'm too busy taking care of things. - So who asked you to?
You did. The minute you stopped taking responsibility for anything since Mom died.
That doesn't mean you get to be her replacement.
You know what I miss most about Mom?
Is that she loved that we were different.
And you punish me for it.
From the day Mom died...
...you've done nothing but push me out of your life.
- I have not. - Oh, come on, Jane.
The biggest day of your academic career, and you didn't even bother to invite me.
Well, forgive me for wanting the day to be about me for a change.
I make honor roll, Dad doesn't notice because you're in detention.
I'm captain of the cheerleading squad, and Dad can't come to one game.
One game, because he's busy going to your parent/counselor meetings.
You wanna know why I want this fellowship abroad?
It's because it's 3000 miles away from you.
Well, I really hope you get it, then.
Roxy.
Don't you worry. I'm not going to let the mean little man hurt you.
Hey, I don't know who you are or what your game is...
...but you've caused me a great deal of inconvenience today.
Not to mention, I am this close to missing my speech.
So let's have it. Let's have it.
You finished?
Ancient Chinese proverb: You snooze, you lose.
- Anyone, help! - Let's take her to Ma.
Perfect timing.
Hello!
Help!
- Help me! - Hello?
Roxy?
- Trey? - Yeah.
- What are you doing in there? - Can we talk after you open the trunk?
- Thanks. - Are you okay? What happened?
I'm coming to find you, next thing I know, this limo guy just shoves me in there.
Just when you think the day can't get any worse.
- You okay? - I just got in a huge fight with my sister.
She was gonna give a speech today. Now she won't win the fellowship...
...because there's no way she's getting there on time, and it's all my fault.
You sure about that?
- Do you wanna take a field trip right now? - Yeah.
- Come on. - Okay.
Taxi!
Now, it's just you and me.
All alone. No excuses.
Come on. Drink this.
Drink this, and then the chip will come out.
This goes in here, chip come out here.
I'm not kidding around. Drink it.
See?
Like that. Hey, that's pretty good.
Come on.
This movie isn't out yet.
Neither is this CD.
So that's what these guys are up to.
Just listen to me. Give me that chip. You don't want me to use this, do you?
I don't even know what this is.
But it's not gonna be pleasant.
Now, give me the chip!
Look into my eyes.
I'm torturing you.
It's unbearable!
Bennie! This is your idea of torture?
It's pathetic!
We do it my way.
Cats have nine lives.
I wonder if little doggy does.
Okay. I hope they haven't started.
I can't run in these heels.
The increase and/or decrease in a nation's productivity...
...or other such political aggregate...
...can be regarded as the penultimate indicator of a nation...
Go see what she's doing. Make her stop! Go.
Cut it out in there! You make a mess, you clean it up.
Sorry!
- He bit me! - Get it off of me!
Come on, Reinaldo. Come on!
Come on.
- Hey, stranger. - Would you like to save my life?
- I have 28 minutes to go 111 blocks. - I could do that.
- Where'd they go? - Bennie, where are they? Let's go!
- Okay. - Hold on.
Hold on, okay?
- You all right? - Yeah.
This is it.
I don't see her.
Jane Ryan?
- Yeah? - You're late. You're on next.
- Are you sure you know what you're doing? - Look...
...I got her into this mess, I have to get her out.
Plus, how hard could it be reading a bunch of note cards?
Just go with me on this one.
Okay, yeah. You're gonna do great.
- All right. See you out there. Good luck. - Thanks.
Nice blazer, Muffie.
Oh, gridlock!
- Do you have a horn? - We'll take a shortcut.
Hey, what are you doing?
Sorry.
Excuse us.
- Sorry. - What's the matter with you?
In this instance, we must defer to the famed economist, Adam Smith...
...who laid the foundation of a free market.
Mother.
What are you doing here?
I'm honorary chair of the McGill Fellowship. What are you doing here?
- I wanted to see you present the award. - Well, that's very sweet.
Our last finalist is from Long Island and has a 4.2 GPA.
She's student-body president and captain of her cheerleading squad.
Please welcome Jane Ryan.
Keep it together. It's okay.
Oh, my God.
You may proceed...
...Miss Ryan.
- Please. - Right.
Oh, man.
Well...
...as many of you all know...
...the economy is...
...very, very important to all of us.
Take the word "economy."
You have "eco," which stands for environment.
You know, which we're all real big supporters of.
And we have "onomy," which...
...is pig Latin for "money."
Money, economy.
Right.
- Go, go, go. Good luck. - Okay.
- Are you coming? Come on. - Yeah.
Well...
...for as the...
...the famous, famous Canadian professor...
...Avril Lavigne...
...stein once said, and I quote:
"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting, like you're somebody else, gets me frustrated.
Life's like this: You fall, and you crawl...
...and you break, and you take what you can get.
You turn it into honesty...
...and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it.
No. No.
No."
- Oh, thank God. - Roxy?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's all the time I have for... So...
...will the real Jane Ryan please stand up?
Reinaldo!
Trey, what is going on?
Apparently, the dog groomer delivers.
Are you okay?
What are you doing here?
Well, aside from completely humiliating myself...
I'm sorry. I wanted to read the speech for you...
No. Please. Here. I can take it from here.
Are you sure?
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jane Ryan.
Roxy, behind you!
Nassau County Department of Truancy.
This girl, Roxanne Ryan, is now in my custody.
And that girl, Jane Ryan, is an accomplice in her criminal activities!
And she stole my stupid ugly mutt too.
I don't know what is going on here, but that "mutt" is mine.
Come here, ugly doggy.
- And I order you to give him back. - Yeah, you and what army, lady?
- Officer! - Me?
Arrest that man!
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my baby.
Fly.
Every time.
- Hey, that's my mom's dog! - I think it started.
It doesn't look like Cats.
Everybody, freeze.
Someone please explain to me what is going on.
I think I can do that.
See, this guy over here...
...that man who thinks he's Chinese... You're not.
- And his mother are criminals dealing in pirated music, movies...
...and probably Gucci handbags. I don't know.
- Probably. - The guy with the eyebrows.
- We know him. He drove us over here. - He didn't tell us he was in the play.
A cop and an actor.
And how, may I ask, did you two get involved in this?
- I think I can shed some light on that. - You see...
...senator, it was this crime fighter here, Officer Lomax...
...who tracked down the Bang family and wouldn't rest until justice was served.
So really, we're just witnesses to his sting operation.
- Yeah! What she said. - Is that true, Officer Lomax?
Did you engineer this collar?
Well, I don't want to gloat, senator, but I think "mastermind"...
...might be a more appropriate choice of words.
I love you.
Just a second.
I assume that wasn't the speech you intended to give this afternoon.
- Not exactly, but... - No. No. It wasn't.
But you should have heard the real one.
It was amazing, and I know this, because I heard her practice it 1000 times.
And trust me, she would have won this thing hands down.
I'm sorry today didn't work out the way you planned.
See, I thought today was about the speech, the fellowship...
...my academic future.
But instead, it was about something much more important.
It just took me a few wrong turns to see it.
- That was something else, wasn't it? - Honey, I loved it. I loved it!
Yes. You gotta... Come on.
Gotta give it up for the Cats!
Who let the cats out?
Get your hands where I can see them.
- Who let the cats out? - You're not even a real cop.
Zip it, Odd Job.
Thanks to you, that's all gonna change.
Let me do it.
- So you're not mad? - Are you kidding?
I can't believe what you did for me today.
- Listen... - I want to apologize...
...for saying the things I said earlier. It's just...
...I was having a meltdown. Everything was going wrong.
That's because every time I tried to fix it, it got worse.
The point is...
...we haven't spent the day together in a really long time...
...and I've really missed you.
I've missed you too.
And I'm so, so sorry if I ever made you feel...
...like you had to take Mom's place.
She would have been really proud.
Both of us.
It was really great bumping into you today.
Maybe we could bump again.
Did I just say that?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And I'm glad you did.
- So how about you just give me a call? - Okay.
Yeah.
Jane Ryan?
Bye.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Hudson McGill.
Listen, I am so sorry about everything that happened today...
You know what?
I think you handled yourself really well today, considering everything.
The McGill Foundation would be really honored...
...if you would represent us at Oxford University next year.
But...
- I don't understand. - I found these.
This would have been an amazing speech.
It's not just that you wanted to win...
...it's that you absolutely refused to fail.
And you didn't.
You deserve this fellowship, Jane. You really do.
- Congratulations and good luck. - Thank you.
- Can you believe it? - I'm so happy.
I don't...
- Thank you. - No, thank you.
One, two, three, four!
- Hey. - Hi.
So have you given any thought to visiting me in London?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to visit you.
It's not gonna work out for me. Sorry.
It's okay. I mean, your whole life's here. I get it.
Jane, I'm playing. I'm moving. I'm actually transferring schools there next year.
Really? Seriously?
- Are you excited? - Yeah.
I've got this great idea for the video.
It's, like, Roxy, and she's dressed as a cucumber, and...
Well, maybe I should just be happy that I'm going to London on tour with you guys...
...and keep these thoughts to myself. - Agreed.
Open up! Police!
Cut it, guys. Cut it.
Sorry to break up the party here, kids.
But you see, I got this little VW Bug parked out there in a loading zone.
License number 2 Quilted Laxative 4 Santa Kansas Limerick.
Where's Roxanne Ryan?
You've got to be kidding me.
I am.
I just stopped by to wish you bon voyage...
...and maybe get an autograph.
Of course you may, Officer Lomax.
Thank you, ma'am.
Hey, lggy Pop, crank the juice on that half stack, and let's hear what this band can do!
You heard him. Let's roll the guitars.
Nice work, son.
[ENGLISH]